Harry Potter, the Guy Who Shagged Me
by clementine
Summary: Harry is in the midst of an attack on Hogwarts. The girls and boys at school are becoming sexually active by bugs that look kind of like the yeers from Animporphs. Harry finds himself as the only antidote. Some slash, not written yet.
1. Harry has a dark secret

Disclaimer: This belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. The authors are making no money off of it. Any other citations will be made where necessary. 

Rating: PG 13. Slash. 

READ AUTHOR'S NOTE FIRST:

Authors' Notes: First of all, this was written mostly by two people, with the help of a few others. So if you see "we" instead of "I" it's not cause we're schizo. This is not meant to be offensive. As a matter of fact, we're big fans of Harry Potter. We just thought we'd write a parody about it. But don't think we'd let books like Animorphs and movies like Shrek get out of our jokes. See if you can identify it. Enjoy. 

This is a VERY dumb story. 

Harry Potter and the Sluts of Hogwarts

One very fine, well actually not very fine, day Harry was thinking. Thinking about what you might ask? Well he was thinking about his friend Ron and how much he missed him. You see Harry had a deep, dark secret. What was this secret you might be wondering? Harry was bi (a bisexual). 

Suddenly his owl Hedwig flew through the damn window. She toppled onto Harry's shoulder and shit out a roll of parchment onto the floor, covered in slime. 

"What kind of sick bastard would shove a roll of parchment up an owl's ass?" Harry muttered to himself, but picked it up all the same, "bless your heart, you shittin' blessed bird." He opened the slime covered letter. 

Dearest Harry,

How about if you come visit for some fun. The whole family's here and we're gonna have lots of fun. Apparate on over here as soon as you get this. 

Love, your friend. 

"YES!!!" Harry bellowed with his manly voice, "He wrote love. Ah Ron, you sweetheart." He then apparated into Ron's room. He had walked in on something spectacular but also shitty. 

He always knew Ron had a liking for each other, and had known there was something going on, but this was too much. You see they were hoppin' on the good foot and doin' the bad thing. Or maybe I should say they were having a little mojo. Or the choo-choo was going into the tunnel. Or you could just say they were fucking. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. He seemed to be having an LSD flashback.

"Listen Donkey," Shrek said, "I'm an ogre. Ogres have onion layered and oyu don't want a layered friend. I'll leave you crying and I'm not gay." He rubbed his eyes again.

"Oh Minnie, I love you," Mickey squeaked.

"And I, you," Minnie replied.

But then they were Hermione and Ron again. It was the first time he had every seen them naked and it give him a magic wand in his pocket.

That was just a sample. What ya think? Like it, hate it, wanna burn it? Think it's completely stupid? Well so do we. But that's not the point. The point is, we wanna know your opinion. It just takes a couple words. Review. 

It might have been stupid, but you gotta admit, it was damn funny!


	2. Harry gets drunk

Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: This belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. The authors are making no money off of it. Any other citations will be made where necessary.  
  
Rating: R. Slash.  
  
Author's Note: Sorry about the loooooong delay in updating. Because you've had to wait, we are willing to make this chapter extra long. The next chapter won't be up for awhile. So hope you like it. Um. we have a very twisted sense of humor. Hopefully you'll find it funny too. Understand that we were very hyper when we were writing this and we can hardly help ourselves from writing really warped things that will confuse your mind. Read and Review.  
  
  
  
"Harry!" Ron shouted, "You're not supposed to apparate in my room. For God's sake, I could have been changing. But I'm fucking so it's worse."  
  
"Oh I'm sorry. But now what I'm here, can I join?" Harry asked.  
  
"What!?" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"I'm joking, I'm joking," Harry stammered.  
  
"Okay good," said Ron, "well go hang around Ginny. We gotta get dressed."  
  
"Okay," said Harry gloomily. He walked out of the room, and down the stairs into the kitchen.  
  
"Oh hi Harry, dear," Mrs. Weasley exclaimed.  
  
"Hello Mrs. Weasley. Do you like chicken, Mrs. Weasley? Cuz I sure do!"  
  
"I like chicken, we can have some tonight," she said. Fred and George entered the room.  
  
"Hey Harry," Fred greeted, "simply smashing to see you."  
  
"Yes, "George said, "come in our room for some candy."  
  
"Yeah, candy. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge," Fred said (A/N: Hey that rhymes)! Harry followed them into the basement.  
  
"Want some candy?"  
  
"I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."  
  
"We're not strangers you dope. You are a dope right?"  
  
"Well what do you mean by dope?"  
  
"Well your name says it all, Harry POTter."  
  
"Oh that," Harry said, "Yeah I'm a dope. I like stealing from my uncle's stash."  
  
"Cool," said Fred, "want some booze?"  
  
"Yeah sure, what kind?" Harry asked.  
  
"Rum," George answered.  
  
"Cool, pass me some." And he took a huge swig from the bottle.  
  
"Dinner!" Mrs. Weasley shouted and by then Harry was pissed drunk. He stumbled on his way and fell up the stairs.  
  
"Ow! I'm okay but my wang is not." He walked into the kitchen where Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Bill, Charlie, Mrs. and Mr. Weasley were.  
  
(A/N: Turn the page. Sorry, private joke).  
  
"Hello, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not drunk," he babbled to the refrigerator. He sat down on the floor accidentally, "Oops, silly me." He sat on the chair and stared at the chicken amazed.  
  
"Whoa. This chicken is the weirdest thing ever," Harry said, "Dude look." He picked up the chicken and made it fly in the air. "Who says chickens can't fly?" The Weasleys stared at him. Then he continued on with a Texan accent. "I heard chickens have teeth, or at least they do in Chicken Run. It's fun making fun of those bragging Texans down in the south. (A/N: We are aware that America is NOT in the south, but Harry's drunk so it's legitimate). The stars at night are big and bright. Clap, clap, clap." He paused briefly, expecting everyone to sing with him but they didn't. So he continued on his own, "Deep in the heart of Texas!"  
  
Ron stared at him and exclaimed, "Are you feeling okey dokey, Harry?"  
  
"NO!!" Harry shouted, "Yeah I guess I'm all right." They all stared. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU DAMN PEOPLE?!"  
  
"Are you drunk, Harry," Hermione asked.  
  
"Nope, completely God damn sober!" Harry said, "Oh shit. I didn't mean to puke on you, Fred."  
  
"Meh. It's all good." Harry stuffed the small chicken down his throat. (A/N: Sorry guys, we're drunk off Baileys. Not yet but we will be.) Everyone burst out laughing.  
  
"WOULD YOU STOP LAUGHING, IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Harry shouted at the top of his lungs. "Let's go Ron, and Hermione." And they went upstairs.  
  
They sat in Ron's room, completely surrounded by smoke.  
  
"This is fucking cool," Harry said.  
  
"We don't fucking swear in this fucking house, Harry," Ron muttered, totally stoned.  
  
"You just did you silly goose," Harry said. Harry fell asleep after awhile. Little did he know that something spectacular, but also shitty would happen while he was.  
  
  
  
That's all. Next chapter up in awhile. R&R!! Okay bye. 


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